Sunday 30 October 2011

Things can only get worse

I think it has been over a year since I blogged. Am going to try to devote more time and energy to my writing in the next few months, and this seems as good a place to start as anywhere. It was intended to be a way of expressing my feelings about my MS and its progress (wrong word because it has connotations of things getting better, and MS can only get worse). My hairy neurologist tells me I am officially in remission. Of course that should make me happy, but there is always the ying and yang of MS - remission and RELAPSE. So being the glass half empty kind of girl that I am, the word remission only reminds me that I have a degenerative illness and that slowly but surely my body is attacking itself. Typical bloody competitive me, can't even let some virus or bacteria get the better of me, it has to be my own body!
Apart from the mental stuff, I feel a bit of a fraud when I go to the MS clinic. Crutches and wheelchairs are a very visual indicator of the disease, but the exhaustion aspect, which along with my vision problems is my main symptom, gets little sympathy. The only way I can describe it is that you simply feel like if you have to move an arm, your head, or your little toe, the effort it will take will kill you on the spot. You literally feel like life is draining out of you body through your legs. The memory of this haunts my remission and the ghost of MS past and MS future is always present.

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