Regrets, I've Had a Few....

....but then again, too many to mention. I don't understand how people can't have regrets. Does that mean that they would lead their lives in the exact same way if given the opportunity? I certainly wouldn't. I have tonnes of regrets.....whole years of regrets!

Saying unkind or spiteful things to a whole host of people.
Not always being true to what I believe.
Being weak and unassertive when people said or did unkind or spiteful things to me.
Being hungry for my entire 20s and early 30s - I am now an enormous two sizes bigger, and the hell difference does it make?
Edward Bigden. Every frigging year of our relationship (see all of above).
Babies lost.
Not studying more languages when I was younger - it's such an enormous effort of concentration now.
Not respecting my body, but hating it instead.
Not talking to people in lifts. Who knows what I might have learned?

Having regrets is not the same as denying that those experiences made me what I am right here, right now. I just wish I knew then what I know now......I guess that is the real regret! As they say, youth is wasted on the young.

Christmas, interrupted.

Well, hopefully in the next couple of days we will resume plans to travel to the far North! We actually had an absolutely lovely few days and it was a real joy to see Josh on his birthday for the first time in 15 years. I can't believe my little nephew is 29.
Being at home has meant loads of extra TV viewing which I have relished. Lots of films, the glorious David Tennant in Hamlet, catching up with DVDs.....from the ridiculous (Bruno) to the sublime (In the Loop).
I went to dad's flat today and for the first time since he died felt a real sense of peace there. I was trying to explain the idea of purgatory to my little one (rather a tricky one) when we were watching Hamlet. It is almost like dad has moved to another, more contented place, but is still here at the same time. Maybe he has moved on from purgatory.
A very hopeful link on the family tree with the Schoenlanker branch, with excited emails to and from the States. Lots of very careful work needs to be done - I need Claire or Melissa! My own rather romantic approach is not good enough, I fear.
Anyway, Cranford calls......

You spin me right round baby right round

In an effort to avoid alcohol and trans-fat overdose, I am thinking about the year almost past/passed. It has been less of a roller-coaster, more of a ride on the tea-cups. But I am going to focus on the great things and try to kid myself I'm a glass-half-full kinda girl.
Dallas
Napa
Meeting Melissa
Latin Fever
Cornwall beach house
Salsa lessons with Hannah
Getting a near-telepathic TA
It's a Wonderful Life in Ipswich - the best production I've seen in years
Riga hotel, spa architecture and synagogue
Teaching Year 6 again
Bar Salsa
Dishy doctors
Spanish lessons with Angel
Watching Molly grow more feisty everyday
Reading ellaminnowpea
Elbow concert
Lille
Snow
Looking forward to Seville and Barcelona!

Northern Soul

Up now to the even-more-frozen North for Xmas. Looking forward to seeing the moors covered in snow, and almost certain for a white Christmas. Wimped out of the James Bond party last night due to the snow, and also partly due to the fact that my eye has been bad and I didn't think that excessive salsa was the answer (for once). Also my Miss Moneypenny outfit didn't quite hit the mark and was worried that people would think I'd just drifted in from work without bothering to change! There is a fine line between sexy secretary and sad city employee on the verge of redundancy.

Elaborate plans have taken place with late night shuttles of prezzies to the car so that my little one doesn't realise that Santa is a big fat lie - whoops - a magical miracle.

So, with Christmas cheer hopefully powering us up to Lancashire, adieu to yer and yer and yer.

Lost love

Every waking day
My head is filled
With the presence of my father
His voice telling me
Over and over how he loved me
As if I must learn it

That was the Decade that Was

All the Sunday papers are full of reviews of the decade which has started me thinking about some of the things that have happened to me....
got married to Rob
moved house
had a baby
changed jobs twice
lost a parent
found a brother
met my paternal cousins after a gap of 40 years
travelled to the Czech Republic, USA, Holland, France, Spain, Israel, Poland, Latvia
lost my vision in one eye
made some great new friends who will be friends for life
carried on dancing
started playing tennis again
found out that I have an abnormal brain
continued my on-off relationship with prozac
got a new car (new to me, not new)

Wow!

Keeeeep dancing!

Strictly Finals night - OK maybe the disco ball and light box were a bit over the top but we had a fabulous time, and it didn't matter who won. Darrrrrling!

Eurostar

If I had taken the train two hours later, I would have got stuck! Those poor people.

Frozen

Oh My Goodness......the cold!

Had a lovely two days in Lille, looking in art galleries and taking many stops in cafes. Lovely Christmas market where I had the most amazing hot pear cider. Great toy shops and lots of clothes shops - basically heaven. Even the waiters didn't scoff when I asked for something vegetarian.....roll on Spain! Was a bit of an anti-Atkins carb fest, but vegetarains can't be choosers in Europe.

Strictly Finals party tomorrow night, and am wondering how I'm going to juggle the children and adults so that everyone is happy. Hang on, maybe if I juggle the children, the adults will be happy. Or knowing my friends if I keep them supplied with sufficient tequila that will keep them happy. The adults, naturally.

Missing my family in America.

Twitchy hand, which I am trying not to think about. New round of neuro appointments came through for the first week of the new year. And, joy of joys, I am having my top wisdom teeth out that week too. Wow, how much am I looking forward to 2010.

Bathrobe afternoon

Cosy and comfy in my huge fluffy bathrobe, yankke candles aglow and series 5 of The Office on my bigscreen. What a great start to the hols.

Thinking of Raffi on her almost birthday, and wondering which city she will be in, and whether she will have ghd straight hair!

Darkness

Woke up this morning and had a panic that I had gone totally blind. Not great when you are home alone with a 6 year old. My bad eye is definitely even darker than usual, and I can only assume that it is tiredness. I am losing hope that I will ever get back my sight as it was before.

La vida loca

My abnormal brain hurts after speaking Spanish for an hour and a half after a day's teaching. I need a playtime.

Dr Zoukas

Another day, another consultant. This time, due to my champagne socialist approach to my healthcare, a private one. Only difference was that my appointment was at 3.15 and I was collected at 3.15 from the waiting room, as opposed to spending 3.15 hours collecting my thoughts in the waiting room.

So, now the joy of a spinal tap awaits. Amanda tried to help by cheerfully comparing it to an epidural. I can tell she's been private before! All I got at St John's was a stick to bite on.

At least he didn't keep going on about all the abnormalities in my brain like the last guy. And I think I passed all the walking-in-straight-line-tests, and even the rather alarming one where I thought he was trying to arm wrestle me.

I am OK with it. Not putting a brave face on it, truly OK with it. Thinking about dad and how he taught me so much; how his death taught me how to live. Zuzu's petals.

Selling my soul

Where did my principles go? Wheeeee out the window as soon as life gets tough.

Latvia

Belated pics from Riga. An amazing place with a fascinating history. Plus friends, cake and gin and tonic. A lovely holiday.

Sickness

Still in limboland with neurology department - not helped by the fact that although I had been referred by my eye consultant 4 weeks ago, up until Thursday I was still not 'in the system' at the neuro clinic. My case was being reviewed on Friday, so naively expected a phone call that day with my appointment. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Apart from that, we are a house of sickness. I am still getting terrible headaches and dizziness, and my little one is now uncharacteristically quiet and subdued with a high temperature. Phoned NHS direct to ask about swine flu, but they did checklist with me and it was a case of 'computer says no'. So, another day off work tomorrow, and I still have all the Christingle costumes to sort out.......as well as half-term assessments.........display board......risk assessment for trip to the theatre......last week's marking from when I was off sick......so, the usual end of term, in other words.

In my efforts to counteract my lack of visual accuity, I am becoming obsessed with lighting. As well as a range of lamps, I have become addicted to Yankee candles, which actually give sodding energy-saving bulbs a run for their money in terms of brightness, but also smell heavenly. Favourites are French Vanilla, and Creme Brulee, just in case my Secret Santa is reading this.

On an altogether more positive note, I am starting Spanish conversation classes with the divinely named Angel on Thursday. All in anticipation for Seville in February, and proposed salsa trip to Barcelona in April (and again in July?). Life is short, school holidays are long. xx

Grief

I remember when my eldest step-daughter told me that she was going to study psychology at 'A' level rather than English, tartly replying to her that studying literature would teach her far more about the human condition than studying Freud ever could. Through every shade of my grief for my dad, literature has been there to support, console, empathise. C.S.Lewis said, 'We read to know that we are not alone', and each transition is echoed in my books. So, I am Heathcliff, longing to be haunted:"Come in! Come in! Cathy do come." Or on the good days, I am taking the baton from John McCrae: "To you from failing hands we throw/The torch; be yours to hold it high."

But today, I am the snivelling Nina in 'Truly Madly Deeply': sobbing "I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I know I shouldn't do this but I miss him."

Tingly toes

I need to dance - my toes are tingly and I'm sure I don't notice it if I am dancing. Haven't been for over a WEEK, good grief. With hubby finishing this cycle of tutoring, and me feeling low, I have been hibernating and cooking and worrying and working and there hasn't seemed time for anything else. Working seems to take so much longer with a dodgy eye. Today I had double vision for most of the day, and now it is evening I am back my cyclopic existence. So, out with the illuminated magnifying glass for my marking, and up to bed early to watch my big screen TV.

Wanna be in my gang?

Today I was on - irony of ironies - a first aid course at my old secondary school. It has been 27 years since I left and I am quite surprised at how warm and fluffy it made me feel being back there. Sitting in my old English classroom, I could feel the whispering presence of students past - Louise, Graham, Ian, Ann, Ali, Andrea - and remembered exactly where we all sat. I could even remember an essay I wrote in that room - 'What Freedom Means to Me'. I am sure it was a hotheaded spiel on freedom to protest( about what?why?), freedom to choose a career (ha!), freedom not to have children until I wanted them.....(double ha! When I got around to trying to have them, my body failed to do as commanded until years later).
It's funny, but I didn't remember all the geeky awkwardness that I felt for the majority of my school life. Sitting there with my two lovely colleagues and friends, I felt that I was finally cool!!! Finally, at the age of 43, I was in the cool gang!
But what I didn't realise is that being in the cool gang for me, means being pretty much everything that I depised and still despise about cliques - laughing at other people behind their backs, feeling superior ( Because I have a slightly less Essex accent than them?Because I have been luckier than them?), feeling more clever, better dressed, better educated. Basically I was a total shit, just like all those people were to me at school. What a fine line between being victim and a bully there is. Is it because I wanted to impress my friends? Or was it some deeply pyschologically closure exercise? I hope so. Because I don't really want to think about the alternative.

11th of the 11th

Thinking of Joe Windall, an exceptional former pupil of mine, killed in Afganistan in the Nimrod crash which took the lives of 13. His smile will stay with me forever.

Friendship

For those of you who

Held my hand
Held my hair
Held the grief
I could not bear

Let me weep
Let me rage
Let me through
My open cage

Thank you.

Czech Mate

Me and my new Czech friend .

Tired and Emotional

....but it's the end of the week and I'll always have salsa.

The answer is 42

To follow up my first post....there is no meaning to life. I have been having interesting discussions with friends recently about what we deserve in life. I was quite shocked that some of them think that they deserve happiness, deserve a man to love them, deserve a chocolate biscuit. As if life is fair. By the same logic I deserve optic neuritis, I deserve MS, and I deserved to watch my dad die in agony. It would be very scary if that were the case. What on earth have I done to deserve that? Or, the other side....what have I done to deserve my happy marriage, my beautiful daughter, my loyal friends?

To paraphrase Charlton Heston.......

They will have to pull my dancing shoes off my cold dead feet.

November blows

Today I have been thinking about what the doctor said about my scan. Mostly medical gobbledegook which I couldn't understand, but the words LESIONS and MS were plain enough. He kept going on about 'abnormalities' in my brain, which makes me feel deficient in some way! Strangely I have always thought my brain was the one thing I could rely on, and now it is letting me down. It is quite a surprise. Out of a fairly unhealthy family I have always prided myself on my physical health and taken measures to protect it - being a vegetarian, not doing too much naughty stuff, etc.

Apart from the bizarreness of thinking about my brain with my brain, it has been a windy, fun day. A trip up to London to see Lucy and exploring Spitalfields Market. Have got some Xmas prezzies already. Had to avoid thinking about Xmas 2 years ago.

The Meaning of Life

I was told yesterday that I have probable MS. My husband cried when I told him, and to be honest, so did I. I am 43 next week, lost my dad to cancer last year, have an utterly dysfunctional relationship with two of my sisters, and now may have MS. But weirdly I am OK with it all. Maybe I am in denial (oh yes, I know all the stages of grief by heart). What I do know is I am angry. I might have this new label, but I am still ME, not MS. So, fuck off MS. If you come, I will deal with you. Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you. Until the bear eats me I will carry on dancing, laughing, singing, nurturing, loving, arguing, questioning, eating, drinking, contemplating.