Regrets, I've Had a Few....

....but then again, too many to mention. I don't understand how people can't have regrets. Does that mean that they would lead their lives in the exact same way if given the opportunity? I certainly wouldn't. I have tonnes of regrets.....whole years of regrets!

Saying unkind or spiteful things to a whole host of people.
Not always being true to what I believe.
Being weak and unassertive when people said or did unkind or spiteful things to me.
Being hungry for my entire 20s and early 30s - I am now an enormous two sizes bigger, and the hell difference does it make?
Edward Bigden. Every frigging year of our relationship (see all of above).
Babies lost.
Not studying more languages when I was younger - it's such an enormous effort of concentration now.
Not respecting my body, but hating it instead.
Not talking to people in lifts. Who knows what I might have learned?

Having regrets is not the same as denying that those experiences made me what I am right here, right now. I just wish I knew then what I know now......I guess that is the real regret! As they say, youth is wasted on the young.

Christmas, interrupted.

Well, hopefully in the next couple of days we will resume plans to travel to the far North! We actually had an absolutely lovely few days and it was a real joy to see Josh on his birthday for the first time in 15 years. I can't believe my little nephew is 29.
Being at home has meant loads of extra TV viewing which I have relished. Lots of films, the glorious David Tennant in Hamlet, catching up with DVDs.....from the ridiculous (Bruno) to the sublime (In the Loop).
I went to dad's flat today and for the first time since he died felt a real sense of peace there. I was trying to explain the idea of purgatory to my little one (rather a tricky one) when we were watching Hamlet. It is almost like dad has moved to another, more contented place, but is still here at the same time. Maybe he has moved on from purgatory.
A very hopeful link on the family tree with the Schoenlanker branch, with excited emails to and from the States. Lots of very careful work needs to be done - I need Claire or Melissa! My own rather romantic approach is not good enough, I fear.
Anyway, Cranford calls......

You spin me right round baby right round

In an effort to avoid alcohol and trans-fat overdose, I am thinking about the year almost past/passed. It has been less of a roller-coaster, more of a ride on the tea-cups. But I am going to focus on the great things and try to kid myself I'm a glass-half-full kinda girl.
Dallas
Napa
Meeting Melissa
Latin Fever
Cornwall beach house
Salsa lessons with Hannah
Getting a near-telepathic TA
It's a Wonderful Life in Ipswich - the best production I've seen in years
Riga hotel, spa architecture and synagogue
Teaching Year 6 again
Bar Salsa
Dishy doctors
Spanish lessons with Angel
Watching Molly grow more feisty everyday
Reading ellaminnowpea
Elbow concert
Lille
Snow
Looking forward to Seville and Barcelona!

Northern Soul

Up now to the even-more-frozen North for Xmas. Looking forward to seeing the moors covered in snow, and almost certain for a white Christmas. Wimped out of the James Bond party last night due to the snow, and also partly due to the fact that my eye has been bad and I didn't think that excessive salsa was the answer (for once). Also my Miss Moneypenny outfit didn't quite hit the mark and was worried that people would think I'd just drifted in from work without bothering to change! There is a fine line between sexy secretary and sad city employee on the verge of redundancy.

Elaborate plans have taken place with late night shuttles of prezzies to the car so that my little one doesn't realise that Santa is a big fat lie - whoops - a magical miracle.

So, with Christmas cheer hopefully powering us up to Lancashire, adieu to yer and yer and yer.

Lost love

Every waking day
My head is filled
With the presence of my father
His voice telling me
Over and over how he loved me
As if I must learn it

That was the Decade that Was

All the Sunday papers are full of reviews of the decade which has started me thinking about some of the things that have happened to me....
got married to Rob
moved house
had a baby
changed jobs twice
lost a parent
found a brother
met my paternal cousins after a gap of 40 years
travelled to the Czech Republic, USA, Holland, France, Spain, Israel, Poland, Latvia
lost my vision in one eye
made some great new friends who will be friends for life
carried on dancing
started playing tennis again
found out that I have an abnormal brain
continued my on-off relationship with prozac
got a new car (new to me, not new)

Wow!

Keeeeep dancing!

Strictly Finals night - OK maybe the disco ball and light box were a bit over the top but we had a fabulous time, and it didn't matter who won. Darrrrrling!

Eurostar

If I had taken the train two hours later, I would have got stuck! Those poor people.

Frozen

Oh My Goodness......the cold!

Had a lovely two days in Lille, looking in art galleries and taking many stops in cafes. Lovely Christmas market where I had the most amazing hot pear cider. Great toy shops and lots of clothes shops - basically heaven. Even the waiters didn't scoff when I asked for something vegetarian.....roll on Spain! Was a bit of an anti-Atkins carb fest, but vegetarains can't be choosers in Europe.

Strictly Finals party tomorrow night, and am wondering how I'm going to juggle the children and adults so that everyone is happy. Hang on, maybe if I juggle the children, the adults will be happy. Or knowing my friends if I keep them supplied with sufficient tequila that will keep them happy. The adults, naturally.

Missing my family in America.

Twitchy hand, which I am trying not to think about. New round of neuro appointments came through for the first week of the new year. And, joy of joys, I am having my top wisdom teeth out that week too. Wow, how much am I looking forward to 2010.

Bathrobe afternoon

Cosy and comfy in my huge fluffy bathrobe, yankke candles aglow and series 5 of The Office on my bigscreen. What a great start to the hols.

Thinking of Raffi on her almost birthday, and wondering which city she will be in, and whether she will have ghd straight hair!

Darkness

Woke up this morning and had a panic that I had gone totally blind. Not great when you are home alone with a 6 year old. My bad eye is definitely even darker than usual, and I can only assume that it is tiredness. I am losing hope that I will ever get back my sight as it was before.

La vida loca

My abnormal brain hurts after speaking Spanish for an hour and a half after a day's teaching. I need a playtime.

Dr Zoukas

Another day, another consultant. This time, due to my champagne socialist approach to my healthcare, a private one. Only difference was that my appointment was at 3.15 and I was collected at 3.15 from the waiting room, as opposed to spending 3.15 hours collecting my thoughts in the waiting room.

So, now the joy of a spinal tap awaits. Amanda tried to help by cheerfully comparing it to an epidural. I can tell she's been private before! All I got at St John's was a stick to bite on.

At least he didn't keep going on about all the abnormalities in my brain like the last guy. And I think I passed all the walking-in-straight-line-tests, and even the rather alarming one where I thought he was trying to arm wrestle me.

I am OK with it. Not putting a brave face on it, truly OK with it. Thinking about dad and how he taught me so much; how his death taught me how to live. Zuzu's petals.

Selling my soul

Where did my principles go? Wheeeee out the window as soon as life gets tough.